RainyGirl2399

I have never felt more of a failure now than I ever have in my entire life. I am working two jobs to fund a new bachelors degree because of the many mistakes I made with my first one. All of my high school peers from my age group had already graduated college and are starting new careers and lives.

As for me, I am going to only take one class this semester in order to get out of academic probation which is sadly the second time I am in this situation. My clinical depression took a turn for the worst and I find myself starting back from square one in a new major and on academic probation while I am $12,500 dollars in federal student loan debt. I am currently 24 years old and I am going to turn 25 this November in 2024 and I have never hit a rockier bottom than this.

While I am very grateful to have a family who loves me unconditionally and have a place to stay and commute from and to college still…I can’t help but feel that I failed in life. My potential, self worth and self image of myself has never been lower and I have been getting traumatic flashbacks from 8th grade abuse and harassment aka bullying. I remember the whole class getting in on it and not just laughing but abusing and yelling at me. If karma does exist then may the universe give them the most terrible circumstance imaginable for the pain they caused me. I know people want to believe in forgiveness but some people deserve it only through cruel circumstances happening to them so they get to self reflect. Someone who treats somebody as less than human does not deserve to call themselves human in my opinion.

My depressive episode caused me the semester of my 6th year in undergraduate college. All I need to do now is to graduate debt free in something I am good at.

Maybe that is the good thing about hitting rock bottoms you have the chance to rebuild your life the way you actually want to live. I just hope i can make it through this so I can become who I want to be and achieve my full potential.

It still sucks though and I just want my happy ending to this chapter in my life, but in life there are no happy endings only existence and living.

As in the wise words of Bojack Horseman’s Diane Nyugen “Sometimes. Sometimes life’s a bitch and then you keep living.”

Here’s to writing a new chapter in my life and hopefully I can get my shit together this time. If I were to be honest, all I want is a stable income, a car and enough money to support my family. I don’t ask for much all I want is enough for myself and the people I love.